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Thoughts + Musings | Ruth Tshin | Page 3

Thanksgiving

flickr.com/photos/cloughridge

This Thanksgiving season, help I’m thankful for:

Getting together with friends and having a southern style Thanksgiving dinner in Chiang Mai – even though I missed Canadian Thanksgiving!

The relationships with friends in hill-tribe, Thai and expat cultures here in Thailand.

Being able to live in Thailand, with all its extremes and idiosyncracies – it’s a sanook buat-hua (fun headache).

Food.

The lows I’ve experienced this year so far, so I can see life from a different perspective.

For my family in Bangkok, Canada, and Indonesia because you’ve shaped me and continue to support me.

For my friends in distant places who remind me of where I’ve come from and make me look forward to seeing you again soon.

Design for the Other 90%

In 2007, medicine I visited the Cooper-Hewitt Design Museum in Manhattan for their exhibition titled, order “Design for the Other 90%”.  Lately, I’ve been pondering the intersection of development, social justice, food security, design, fashion and culture (of marginalized minority groups and of popular culture as a whole).  I’ve had conversations about using film to promote the human rights culture.  I’m currently working on a website to promote information resources to development workers.  I love design, good design.  Form + functional, that’s what I’ve always looked for.  So that’s what I’m currently crunching on in my brain.

Any thoughts??

Balance of power

Recently, sildenafil a foreign student came to stay at UHDP for a short time and formed a closer than normal relationship with a staff member, who already had a sweetheart.  Eyebrows were raised, whispers whispered. This isn’t abnormal when living and working abroad – attractions and bonds are formed, the idea of being in a relationship is danced around and some people enter into them.  However, the balance of power is distinctly different when a foreigner bonds with a local person who doesn’t share the same worldview or life experiences or have access to money and opportunities.

As a foreigner with higher education and a mosiac of life experiences, I immediately experienced a strange tension with my friends up-country when I started living there last year.  Reflecting back, I admit to a rather naive and idealistic perspective, believing that my altruistic motives of “being part of the culture” and “helping other people”, would be transparent and enough of a good foundation to build bridges in our relationships.  Within a year, what seemed like petty (to my ears) remarks of “Oh all you farangs are rich” or “Wow, you have so much food in your cupboard” etc., began to grate on me.  I had intentionally avoided buying and eating Western food regularly; I learned how to use local ingredients and to cook local dishes; I learned how to navigate local modes of transportation; I was speaking Thai.  I was attempting to disappear into the culture and not be singled out as farang (hmmm…self-delusion is a warm and cozy cocoon).

All the while, my friends and co-workers were cognizant of me holding the “upper hand”.  I was rich because I could afford to fly in and out of Thailand (I kept protesting that back in Canada I am as poor as a church mouse).  I was smart because I had a master’s degree (I have always been ambivalent about that).  Being Canadian, I have had privileges and opportunities available to me since birth that my friends will never come close to because they are ethnic minorities without rights in Thai culture.  I was not even involved romantically with anyone there – these were tensions I felt everyday in platonic and some, work-related, relationships.  I have the power to enter and leave their lives at will, according to my preferences, and it’s taken me a while to define the differences between us as that, and to start seeing myself through my friends’ eyes.

There are perils to being ignorant of holding the balance of power, especially as building trusting relationships cross-culturally is deliberate, exhausting effort.  People’s lives, worldviews and, potentially, reputations are affected by how I act and treat them.  It is increasingly difficult to accept ignorance as an excuse, regardless of my goodwill and altruistic motivations, and it’s my prayer that my eyes are continually being opened.

“…but you’re still farang…”


The Thai word for guava is the same as "foreigner" - farang.

The Thai word for guava is the same as "foreigner" - farang.

I was eating lunch this Sunday with Thai friends in Chiang Mai and had lapsed into my usual mode of listening and observing when I don’t understand everything that’s going on.  My friends were gossiping in Thai and I understood what they were generally talking about (relationships, drug girls) but not anything specific.  All of a sudden, T made a disparaging comment about someone’s physical size and turned to me and said, “But it’s ok, you understand, you’re a farang.  In my eyes, even though you’re Chinese, you’re still a farang.”

Now, generally, farang or foreigners are bigger in size than Thais (I’m no exception!) so maybe that’s why he made that comment to me (I’m actually still confused as to why I was pulled into the conversation).  The most interesting effect of this particular encounter was how quickly I felt from being comfortable in Thai culture (I had understood at least 75% of the morning’s sermon which was in Thai) to feeling like a complete outsider again.

It happens often to me: I start to feel comfortable in Thailand (I can converse, order food, give directions, ask questions, get around just fine) and then some little thing or comment will knock me flat on my farang butt, and I’m reminded that I don’t fit in.  I call it “falling on my face”.  This occurs often in the language, culture, food, relationships, general understanding departments.  The first year living here, it hurt so much and I really didn’t like getting up.  I would sulk and feel down on myself for days because I didn’t understand a conversation after trying so hard to listen and to practice speaking.  Or if I thought I knew where I was driving to, and ended up in the wrong direction because I couldn’t read the Thai signs.

I take comfort in the fact that I’m no longer floored by “falling on my face”.  I’m learning to shake and laugh it off.  And then to go and enjoy something truly farang like dinner and a movie 🙂

Seed Bank work

Three months into my work setting up the seed bank for ECHO Asia and I’m still grasping the overall scope of the project.  I continue to try to adapt my Type A and western working style to the slower pace (some might say relaxed, see I just say slow) at UHDP – where the ECHO seed bank is based.  I might sound less optimistic than other posts, perhaps a tad cynical but I’m beginning to comprehend the frustrations of being a foreigner working in Thailand, no matter that I’ve been here for over a year.

Working on a technical project using my conversational Thai borders on the absurd at times.  Fortunately Leu and I are developing our own way of communicating using both basic Thai and English.  But witness my attempts to discuss custom-building a seed drying cabinet with the local carpenter and electrician – they are northern Thai but I don’t speak their dialect at all; their central Thai is so littered with northern Thai that I barely understand.  I used pictures on my computer, maniacal hand gestures to indicate height and a hand drawn blueprint to communicate.  The result (see above) would make any of you ergonomics/human usability folks cringe – if the top door opens, it unlatches the other very heavy doors and will cause the bottom door to drop on your foot if you don’t step away in time – this happened to poor Leu.  TIT, folks, TIT (this is Thailand).  But because I’m a half-glass full kind of gal, it’s another lesson learned in patience and improving my communication skills for the next construction project.  I did talk to the carpenter afterwards and he changed the ways the doors are closed so no more broken feet!

The concept of team work is so much more important to me now, as I realize just how big this seed bank project is.  Each of us have various important roles to play and to do well: Leu plants, harvests, weeds, cuts grass, inspects the plants and is really handy at building fences.  My strengths are in prioritizing tasks, seeing where we need extra help, creating materials to teach Leu about seed bank procedures, documenting and being liaison between Rick (at headquarters 4 hours away in Chiang Mai) and our seed bank team.  Phoebe is in charge of experimenting with vaccuum sealing as a method of storing seeds – her final report will be important evidence in proving that certain methods of storage are better than just sticking seeds in a plastic bag.

Seed bank work is tedious and frustrating – two steps forward and ten steps back.  It is frustrating to be held captive by the life cycle of plants – I am so NOT a farmer –  and the limitations of my language.  There is no glamour at all in what I do (not that that was the reason I’m doing this) and more often than not, I feel completely ineffective and unproductive.  It was reassuring to hear from Leu that he feels the same way.  But we have our work cut out for us and that’s just what it is: hard work.  I hope I can report good things next time I write about the seed bank.

I feel “grown up”

This week, discount Phoebe and I have been hosting a group of friends/co-workers/fellow ag-dev people from ECHO in Florida. One of them was my former farm manager when I was an intern at the ECHO farm in Florida and the other two are current interns in their early 20’s.

Living up in Mae Ai, I don’t spend a lot of time around foreign development people so a chance to talk at length about global food security, community and NGO development topics is always welcome. We’ve spent the past few evenings talking and sharing thoughts and perspectives, and it’s really nice to know, too, that my own ideas have “grown up”. My grassroots, rural-development leanings are shifting to include more economic, governmental and institutional perspectives and my understanding of the development sector allows for more grey than several years ago.

Pffffttt…

Image by Quan Nguyen/Flickr

Image by Quan Nguyen/Flickr

I was talking to a friend the other night who just moved to Africa, web about adjusting to life overseas.  We’re both not newbies at adjusting cross-culturally, pharm but it’s still difficult.  I mentioned to her that my “livelihood in northern Thailand depends on my relationships with the people I live with here”, in reference to the fact that I only have one co-worker who is North American and the rest of my relationships here are with people from ethnic minority tribes and don’t speak English as a first language nor are they used to western lifestyles.  These clashes often lead to misunderstandings, some comic, some not so much.

I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships the past couple of months and especially how easy it is to feel weary and downtrodden when I invest in my friends and loved ones, but they reject me or don’t respond they way I want them to (dang things called expectations!).  And how me feeling tired of trying can lead to my relationships being in some state of broken-ness.  It’s a slippery slope…I become so consumed with meeting my wants and needs (me! me! me!) and spend less and less time thinking of others.  Then I spend less time with others (because then I don’t have to go outside of my comfort zone or I’m angry at the way they treated me), which leads to not understanding where they’re at (because it’s easier to view people one-dimensionally than to empathize), which leads to me thinking I’m superior.  Which means that relationship is now in some state of broken-ness. 

I was listening to Tim Keller from Redeemer Church in Manhattan today, speaking about forgiveness.  He spoke about how if we harbour residual anger or desire revenge towards someone who has wronged us, we unknowingly allow these toxins to permeate and marinate ourselves with bitterness, cynicism.  Forgiveness is a sacrificial process, in which we empathize with the person who hurt us and give up the right to exact revenge on them.  This definitely goes against the grain of most cultures (tit for tat, right?) but it is the heart of the God that I believe in.

The relationships I have here in Thailand are precious to me, but it takes time to nurture and grow in them.  I’m easily hurt, deflated, weary and feel “ah, why the heck am I trying so hard?” often (more than I want to admit).  Lately, I’m learning I play a large part in marinating myself in bitterness and cynicism towards others when I’m hurt and emotionally deflated, and that it is a factor in the state of broken-ness of some of my relationships…Some local friends have literally stewed themselves in their own angry toxins for years.  However, I’m a firm believer that people can change and that redemption and grace are beautiful and REAL things.  Step by slow step, I’m crossing that bridge from head knowledge to making these things really part of my life.

Teaching

From emtboy9/Flickr

From emtboy9/Flickr

In this article on NYTimes.com by a community college adjunct professor, malady she shares experiences teaching in the US that sort of mirror my own in Thailand.

“At the community college where I work, health
I have no permanent desk or office, no telephone, no benefits and, to many, no name. When I calculate the time and money spent traveling, grading, answering e-mail, teaching and planning, my wages come to about $9 an hour.  Faced with this situation at any other job, I’d leave with no regrets. But these conditions are outweighed by the simple fact that I’m needed. When I walk into my classroom and look into 20 pairs of eyes ready and waiting to learn, I can’t turn away…In college and in graduate school, I learned to hide my ignorance, surreptitiously looking up information on my own time. My students don’t bother with that kind of intellectual guile. Their honesty disarms me, and forces me to keep my teaching fresh.”

Changes?

Just thinking out loud…

I’ve lived in 4 countries since 2004.  Spent at least two and a half years living and working in rural areas. The longest I’ve lived anywhere since 2004 is 1 year. I’ve never lived in an urban centre (like Bangkok) before. I love traveling and learning about and observing people, case but I’m craving a home base and community.  When I’m teaching, pills the best part is seeing a student’s eyes widen and brighten with understanding.  Communicating cross culturally is difficult and takes time.  All the things I learn living and working in other cultures seems to shape my life philosophy.  What new changes are around the corner?

Waiting

From Andrew Murray’s Waiting on God.  My own prayer for this year in Thailand.

“If the question be asked, pharmacy whether this be anything different from what we do when we pray, dosage the answer is, that there may be much praying with but very little waiting on God. In praying we are often occupied with ourselves, with our own needs, and our own efforts in the presentation of them. In waiting upon God, the first thought is of the God upon whom we wait. We enter His presence, and feel we need just to be quiet, so that He, as God, can overshadow us with Himself. God longs to reveal Himself, to fill us with Himself. Waiting on God gives Him time in His own way and divine power to come to us.

It is specially at the time of prayer that we ought to set ourselves to cultivate this spirit.

Before you pray, bow quietly before God, just t remember and realize who He is, how near He is, how certainly He can and will help. Just be still before Him, and allow His Holy Spirit to waken and stir up in your soul the child-like disposition of absolute dependence and confident expectation. Wait upon God as a Living Being, as the Living God, who notices you, and is just longing to fill you with His salvation. Wait on God till you know you have met Him; prayer will then be come so different.”