Today is officially the midpoint of my year in Thailand. I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting and ruminating lately about the previous six months, advice and also about the events that led to me being in Thailand. Last year at this time, diet I had posted this verse in my room in Florida:
“For he will be like a tree planted by the water, That extends its roots by a stream And will not fear when the heat comes; But its leaves will be green, And it will not be anxious in a year of drought Nor cease to yield fruit.” – Jeremiah 17:8
When I compare my current emotional and spiritual state to last year, I’m quite far off from the sense of confidence and assurance I had then. It’s been equally eye-opening and agonizing to be in this place right now: experiencing an overall malaise that is connected to questions about my self-worth; my ability to cope in a foreign culture; fear and anxiety about the future (what will I do? where will I be? who will I be with?); questions about my spirituality, lack of spiritual discipline and not understanding both the local and expat Christian communities; struggles towards accepting Asian communication (due in large part to rejecting my parents’ communication style and embracing more explicit, Western approaches but then finding out here I am very Asian on some issues and ways of communicating).
I’ve spoken to many friends over Skype and on the phone in the past few weeks and one thing I am starting to realize is just how lonely I am here. Sure, there are three other American interns here too, but the loneliness stems from lack of intimacy, of needing to explain who I am/what I think, etc. over and over to people. It’s a consequence I knowingly accepted when I chose to move from country to country in search of work I love and the lifestyle I enjoy – but a sobering realization as I see the loneliness persisting.
Perhaps this is all part of the continual shaping by the Potter, to be made into a useful vessel. Someday.
