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relationships | Ruth Tshin

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Balance of power

Posted on by under Thoughts + Musings

Recently, sildenafil a foreign student came to stay at UHDP for a short time and formed a closer than normal relationship with a staff member, who already had a sweetheart.  Eyebrows were raised, whispers whispered. This isn’t abnormal when living and working abroad – attractions and bonds are formed, the idea of being in a relationship is danced around and some people enter into them.  However, the balance of power is distinctly different when a foreigner bonds with a local person who doesn’t share the same worldview or life experiences or have access to money and opportunities.

As a foreigner with higher education and a mosiac of life experiences, I immediately experienced a strange tension with my friends up-country when I started living there last year.  Reflecting back, I admit to a rather naive and idealistic perspective, believing that my altruistic motives of “being part of the culture” and “helping other people”, would be transparent and enough of a good foundation to build bridges in our relationships.  Within a year, what seemed like petty (to my ears) remarks of “Oh all you farangs are rich” or “Wow, you have so much food in your cupboard” etc., began to grate on me.  I had intentionally avoided buying and eating Western food regularly; I learned how to use local ingredients and to cook local dishes; I learned how to navigate local modes of transportation; I was speaking Thai.  I was attempting to disappear into the culture and not be singled out as farang (hmmm…self-delusion is a warm and cozy cocoon).

All the while, my friends and co-workers were cognizant of me holding the “upper hand”.  I was rich because I could afford to fly in and out of Thailand (I kept protesting that back in Canada I am as poor as a church mouse).  I was smart because I had a master’s degree (I have always been ambivalent about that).  Being Canadian, I have had privileges and opportunities available to me since birth that my friends will never come close to because they are ethnic minorities without rights in Thai culture.  I was not even involved romantically with anyone there – these were tensions I felt everyday in platonic and some, work-related, relationships.  I have the power to enter and leave their lives at will, according to my preferences, and it’s taken me a while to define the differences between us as that, and to start seeing myself through my friends’ eyes.

There are perils to being ignorant of holding the balance of power, especially as building trusting relationships cross-culturally is deliberate, exhausting effort.  People’s lives, worldviews and, potentially, reputations are affected by how I act and treat them.  It is increasingly difficult to accept ignorance as an excuse, regardless of my goodwill and altruistic motivations, and it’s my prayer that my eyes are continually being opened.

“…but you’re still farang…”

Posted on by under Thoughts + Musings

The Thai word for guava is the same as "foreigner" - farang.

The Thai word for guava is the same as "foreigner" - farang.

I was eating lunch this Sunday with Thai friends in Chiang Mai and had lapsed into my usual mode of listening and observing when I don’t understand everything that’s going on.  My friends were gossiping in Thai and I understood what they were generally talking about (relationships, drug girls) but not anything specific.  All of a sudden, T made a disparaging comment about someone’s physical size and turned to me and said, “But it’s ok, you understand, you’re a farang.  In my eyes, even though you’re Chinese, you’re still a farang.”

Now, generally, farang or foreigners are bigger in size than Thais (I’m no exception!) so maybe that’s why he made that comment to me (I’m actually still confused as to why I was pulled into the conversation).  The most interesting effect of this particular encounter was how quickly I felt from being comfortable in Thai culture (I had understood at least 75% of the morning’s sermon which was in Thai) to feeling like a complete outsider again.

It happens often to me: I start to feel comfortable in Thailand (I can converse, order food, give directions, ask questions, get around just fine) and then some little thing or comment will knock me flat on my farang butt, and I’m reminded that I don’t fit in.  I call it “falling on my face”.  This occurs often in the language, culture, food, relationships, general understanding departments.  The first year living here, it hurt so much and I really didn’t like getting up.  I would sulk and feel down on myself for days because I didn’t understand a conversation after trying so hard to listen and to practice speaking.  Or if I thought I knew where I was driving to, and ended up in the wrong direction because I couldn’t read the Thai signs.

I take comfort in the fact that I’m no longer floored by “falling on my face”.  I’m learning to shake and laugh it off.  And then to go and enjoy something truly farang like dinner and a movie 🙂

Pffffttt…

Posted on by under Thoughts + Musings
Image by Quan Nguyen/Flickr

Image by Quan Nguyen/Flickr

I was talking to a friend the other night who just moved to Africa, web about adjusting to life overseas.  We’re both not newbies at adjusting cross-culturally, pharm but it’s still difficult.  I mentioned to her that my “livelihood in northern Thailand depends on my relationships with the people I live with here”, in reference to the fact that I only have one co-worker who is North American and the rest of my relationships here are with people from ethnic minority tribes and don’t speak English as a first language nor are they used to western lifestyles.  These clashes often lead to misunderstandings, some comic, some not so much.

I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships the past couple of months and especially how easy it is to feel weary and downtrodden when I invest in my friends and loved ones, but they reject me or don’t respond they way I want them to (dang things called expectations!).  And how me feeling tired of trying can lead to my relationships being in some state of broken-ness.  It’s a slippery slope…I become so consumed with meeting my wants and needs (me! me! me!) and spend less and less time thinking of others.  Then I spend less time with others (because then I don’t have to go outside of my comfort zone or I’m angry at the way they treated me), which leads to not understanding where they’re at (because it’s easier to view people one-dimensionally than to empathize), which leads to me thinking I’m superior.  Which means that relationship is now in some state of broken-ness. 

I was listening to Tim Keller from Redeemer Church in Manhattan today, speaking about forgiveness.  He spoke about how if we harbour residual anger or desire revenge towards someone who has wronged us, we unknowingly allow these toxins to permeate and marinate ourselves with bitterness, cynicism.  Forgiveness is a sacrificial process, in which we empathize with the person who hurt us and give up the right to exact revenge on them.  This definitely goes against the grain of most cultures (tit for tat, right?) but it is the heart of the God that I believe in.

The relationships I have here in Thailand are precious to me, but it takes time to nurture and grow in them.  I’m easily hurt, deflated, weary and feel “ah, why the heck am I trying so hard?” often (more than I want to admit).  Lately, I’m learning I play a large part in marinating myself in bitterness and cynicism towards others when I’m hurt and emotionally deflated, and that it is a factor in the state of broken-ness of some of my relationships…Some local friends have literally stewed themselves in their own angry toxins for years.  However, I’m a firm believer that people can change and that redemption and grace are beautiful and REAL things.  Step by slow step, I’m crossing that bridge from head knowledge to making these things really part of my life.