I’ve learned what the phrase “Don’t cry over spilled milk” means.

I haven’t posted any thoughts for a while because I’ve experienced some changes in the past two months that have been and still are, medical tremendous to process. I’m back in coooold Ontario after being refused work authorization by US immigration early January. It was a terrible shock that I’m still adjusting to – I had a great job lined up on the ECHO farm, hospital roommates I was excited to live with, a garden I was looking forward to working on and a community of terrific people I was desiring to get to know further. So I am experiencing plenty of sadness and grief for the relationships I’ve left behind suddenly in Florida.

I’ve become a bit of a robot when asked by old friends, “What happened???” and by new friends, “What do you do?”. My responses have contained elements of hope when I’m having a good day (“Oh, it’s a sudden change, but I’m learning to adjust and looking forward to the opportunities in front of me…”) or elements of anger/impatience/frustration/wanting to give up when I’ve had a string of bad, sad days. It’s been interesting to note that so many people have commented to me that this “is happening for a reason”. I don’t disagree and their intentions are good. My overall rational side agrees (after all, weathering changes is something I have been getting used to in my line of work and it isn’t going to change anytime soon); but on a day by day basis, it’s been difficult to maintain a positive attitude.

I’ve been rational and logical about processing this transition as well as a complete mess like crying while driving someplace (not something I recommend). But I don’t want to drown in “analysis paralysis” during this period of finding a new direction and building old and new relationships. I have a vision for where I want to be this year and what I want to do and at the end of the day, there is no one to blame if I don’t do the legwork to get there. So…I’m learning to tough up, be an adult (oh, I’m such an imposter!) and to not cry over spilled milk.